I didn't get married till I was 44, and before that the longest I lived with a boyfriend was 2 years, so I had a ton of alone time, some of it blissful and some not, before the full-on "we both work at home" scenario that I now inhabit. When Hubs is away on a rare business trip I turn up the radio and sing along at the top of my lungs, and I also cook thing he doesn't like and watch the TV shows that most annoy him (he does these same things when I'm away!). My mantra for doing " "tough shit I don't feel up to" is MOMS DO THIS ALL THE TIME, because I watched my girlfriends who have kids do super-human stuff all the time without batting an eye. The best thing I "cooked" this week was a wicked-fresh green smoothie that contained every vegetable in my fridge and also a fresh Cosmic Crisp apple with a squeeze of lemon, whipped up nice and creamy... luxury!
Being alone in a strange culture is a different kind of alone. But it makes for good writing material! I'm sure it will feel very different in the Blue House. Looking forward to reading all about it.
What a lovely and melancholy meander to take with you (also I am now extremely hungry). I am sorry about your father-in-law; when mine died in 2017 there were strange periods of aloneness that were somehow different from the regular ones due to my then-spouse's frequent work travel. There's a quality of the grief winding itself through, perhaps.
Grief is so much a part of life, especially as we get older. How are you? I haven’t you much lately but that may be because my Substack feed is very crowded. I still a collaboration could be fun. Maybe we could each take a long walk.
I would love that! I've had a lot of upheaval in my personal life, so haven't been engaged as much, but I HOPE things will be settling down into some kind of new form in a couple of weeks. Still a lot going on but there's chance for a reliable-ish rhythm.
Love this. And I’ve been thinking a lot about what it will be like to be alone in our house in Portugal when my spouse is away for work. (We move in next year.) The circumstances of your separation add to the profundity of this period, of course. Time, in all its dimensions, deeply felt in this piece. Beautifully wrought. Time for another dog?
Hugs to you- and condolences to J... I crave solitude right now. I've been a caregiver ever since I got back from Kauai and it's very stressful... I'm heading back there on Thursday for a brief respite. (2 1/2 weeks) I totally understand the loneliness of being in a country and feeling foreign. I went to France and Italy by myself at 35... fortunately I was in awe all of the time and that replaced loneliness. I particularly loved writing and drawing in my journal in cafes and no one looked over my shoulder- it felt liberating to be an observer.
Loved this. Thank you for sharing. As a new-ish mom, I contemplate solitude a lot—though less a part of my daily life right now, it still is both something I so anxiously seek and, simultaneously, desperately fear.
I went for years never being alone and craved it. Many moms say the same thing. It was weird when both my kids left, but weirder still when the pandemic sent them back to our house for six months. Such a fine balance - being intertwined with the people you love and staying connected to yourself.
Indeed it is. Intertwined independence is a very funny, very real part of life—or at least parenthood, so far. It makes me so appreciate the late nights with my thoughts when the rest of the house is quiet.
Oh, sincerest condolences to you both on your loss. But what an achingly beautiful series of reflections. When both my daughters went off to school, I found myself an empty nester--no husband, no partner. It was strangely liberating. All those years of cooking, which I love, and suddenly I could have gelato for dinner. I didn't, but the very idea! Well, it distracted me from the ache of missing the girls. Now, after many years alone--mostly by choice because men are so wildly disappointing, my work and friendships are crazy-rich. The only thing I worry about is opening stuck jars and ossifying into a humorless old goat. I need to stay funny. I do hope you can find some light between the waves of grief.
One thing I’ve noticed is how much tenser I am because I have to do everything myself and I can see that the women I know who live alone have little margin for error. I think that’s what is ossifying. Humor is essential.
I’m so sorry to hear about your father in law. It’s hard to lose the people who helped build our foundations. My husband and I have both lost our parents, and it was unsettling when I realized in my early 60s that I was an orphan.
And being alone when we’re unused to it can be challenging.
I lived alone for ten years as a young adult then have lived "joined at the hip" for the last 36 years, which is what happens when you live together on a small boat.
Whenever he's off somewhere it's fun for a while, mostly me eating what he doesn't like, and watching chick flicks, but then I miss him, so...
Recently we lost my dad at 91 and then my husband's older brother who was 89. It happens at that age, but still it is a change, a reassessment, a reshuffling of the cards.
My condolences to you both, and thanks for the recipes!
A shuffling of the cards...with one or two falling to the floor every time. Reshuffle the cards that are left on the table and figure out what game you can still play. I like it.
I didn't get married till I was 44, and before that the longest I lived with a boyfriend was 2 years, so I had a ton of alone time, some of it blissful and some not, before the full-on "we both work at home" scenario that I now inhabit. When Hubs is away on a rare business trip I turn up the radio and sing along at the top of my lungs, and I also cook thing he doesn't like and watch the TV shows that most annoy him (he does these same things when I'm away!). My mantra for doing " "tough shit I don't feel up to" is MOMS DO THIS ALL THE TIME, because I watched my girlfriends who have kids do super-human stuff all the time without batting an eye. The best thing I "cooked" this week was a wicked-fresh green smoothie that contained every vegetable in my fridge and also a fresh Cosmic Crisp apple with a squeeze of lemon, whipped up nice and creamy... luxury!
"It’s all so fucking bittersweet."
Ain't it just. Condolences to you both.
Being alone in a strange culture is a different kind of alone. But it makes for good writing material! I'm sure it will feel very different in the Blue House. Looking forward to reading all about it.
I’m so sorry we never met in person. Nice that you’re here!
Me too, but never say never! Where in Portugal? We're in Marbella, Spain, in November.
I live an hour north of Lisbon; half hour south of Nazare.
Ah, wrong direction for this trip. But we'll be back!
What a lovely and melancholy meander to take with you (also I am now extremely hungry). I am sorry about your father-in-law; when mine died in 2017 there were strange periods of aloneness that were somehow different from the regular ones due to my then-spouse's frequent work travel. There's a quality of the grief winding itself through, perhaps.
Grief is so much a part of life, especially as we get older. How are you? I haven’t you much lately but that may be because my Substack feed is very crowded. I still a collaboration could be fun. Maybe we could each take a long walk.
I would love that! I've had a lot of upheaval in my personal life, so haven't been engaged as much, but I HOPE things will be settling down into some kind of new form in a couple of weeks. Still a lot going on but there's chance for a reliable-ish rhythm.
Looking forward to reading that!
Alone is hard, and good/necessary sometimes, and precious. Thanks for sharing these mixed moments!! And peace-grace-good memories for you loss ❤️
Thank you. I know you’ve had your own loss to contend with. Hope time is easing the pain.
Love this. And I’ve been thinking a lot about what it will be like to be alone in our house in Portugal when my spouse is away for work. (We move in next year.) The circumstances of your separation add to the profundity of this period, of course. Time, in all its dimensions, deeply felt in this piece. Beautifully wrought. Time for another dog?
Where will you be living? Yes to another dog, but J and I don’t necessarily agree on the timing. I think a dog for Christmas sounds good.
Sesimbra, south of Lisbon. (I’m looking forward to our next dog very much. We are waiting to move before adopting again)
Same here. I need our cats to be comfy in their new digs before introducing a new dog into the mix.
Hugs to you- and condolences to J... I crave solitude right now. I've been a caregiver ever since I got back from Kauai and it's very stressful... I'm heading back there on Thursday for a brief respite. (2 1/2 weeks) I totally understand the loneliness of being in a country and feeling foreign. I went to France and Italy by myself at 35... fortunately I was in awe all of the time and that replaced loneliness. I particularly loved writing and drawing in my journal in cafes and no one looked over my shoulder- it felt liberating to be an observer.
Glad you’ll get to go back to your happy place and Peanut!
A blue house? How beautiful! I look forward to hearing more!
Loved this. Thank you for sharing. As a new-ish mom, I contemplate solitude a lot—though less a part of my daily life right now, it still is both something I so anxiously seek and, simultaneously, desperately fear.
I used wake up super early, before everyone else, to write or exercise. I cherished that solitude in the dark.
I went for years never being alone and craved it. Many moms say the same thing. It was weird when both my kids left, but weirder still when the pandemic sent them back to our house for six months. Such a fine balance - being intertwined with the people you love and staying connected to yourself.
Indeed it is. Intertwined independence is a very funny, very real part of life—or at least parenthood, so far. It makes me so appreciate the late nights with my thoughts when the rest of the house is quiet.
Oh, sincerest condolences to you both on your loss. But what an achingly beautiful series of reflections. When both my daughters went off to school, I found myself an empty nester--no husband, no partner. It was strangely liberating. All those years of cooking, which I love, and suddenly I could have gelato for dinner. I didn't, but the very idea! Well, it distracted me from the ache of missing the girls. Now, after many years alone--mostly by choice because men are so wildly disappointing, my work and friendships are crazy-rich. The only thing I worry about is opening stuck jars and ossifying into a humorless old goat. I need to stay funny. I do hope you can find some light between the waves of grief.
One thing I’ve noticed is how much tenser I am because I have to do everything myself and I can see that the women I know who live alone have little margin for error. I think that’s what is ossifying. Humor is essential.
I’m so sorry to hear about your father in law. It’s hard to lose the people who helped build our foundations. My husband and I have both lost our parents, and it was unsettling when I realized in my early 60s that I was an orphan.
And being alone when we’re unused to it can be challenging.
It does seem the solitude has unanticipated rewards
I lived alone for ten years as a young adult then have lived "joined at the hip" for the last 36 years, which is what happens when you live together on a small boat.
Whenever he's off somewhere it's fun for a while, mostly me eating what he doesn't like, and watching chick flicks, but then I miss him, so...
Recently we lost my dad at 91 and then my husband's older brother who was 89. It happens at that age, but still it is a change, a reassessment, a reshuffling of the cards.
My condolences to you both, and thanks for the recipes!
A shuffling of the cards. Good imagery.
Yeah, I liked it too on the re-read.
A shuffling of the cards...with one or two falling to the floor every time. Reshuffle the cards that are left on the table and figure out what game you can still play. I like it.
We'll keep shuffling along. :)